Thursday, September 26, 2013

What Type Of Developer Are You?

What Type Of Developer Are You?

The Enigma: I write code in such a way so no one, including myself, will be able to decipher it 6 hours later, let alone 6 months later.  I pride myself on cryptic, minimalist abbreviations because, well, just because! No one is worthy to read my code, including myself! The more cryptic the code, the more I like it.  Never mind if you have to come in later down the road and fix all of my code, you unworthy mortal.  Be content that you are allowed to gaze upon my code in the first place!

The Obsessive-Compulsive One: I comment every variable assignment.  Yes, you need to know that int x = 1 // ..is an integer.  All of my code is neatly indented, with tabs substituted by spaces.  The documentation for one of my classes exceeds the character count of all of my code from the last 26 revisions.  There is no such thing as not enough documentation.  I was an English major in college.

The Clueless One: What is a mouse? I am a developer.  Why do you expect me to know anything about the platform that I program on? What's Windows? Linux? What? Look, I just write code.  What do you mean I have to click ok to continue; My browser is broken, I tell you.  Do you expect me to have even basic, grandma-level knowledge of my PC? I can't be bothered with such things, for I am a great developer.  I will just ask the tech support guy to explain to me what a computer is.

The Undeveloper: Why am I in this role, for I don't know the first thing about programming.  How did I get here? I guess management couldn't tell the difference between a developer and a turnip.  Okay, well, I guess I'll just go ahead and develop something.  I was thinking something along the lines of a screenplay.  Yes, I'll work on my screenplay for the next 5.6 years.

The Jackass: I am a great and mighty developer.  You all must deign before my greatness, for my code is the word of God.  Verily I sayeth unto you, my glory is great and shall become apparent to you in short order.  Choirs of angels extoll my virtues.  I am bathed in a mystical aura of light.  None can compare to my level of attainment, for I am a master of code.  If you attempt to speak to me, know that I do not normally speak to mere mortals.  Pay homage to me, insignificant one, lest I banish thee to eternal damnation and suffering.

The Locutor: I spend every waking hour of my life talking to anyone who will listen.  Instead of focusing on improving my code or developing something, I will spend countless hours going on and on about topics not even remotely tangential to my line of work.  Whenever I walk down the hall, other developers walk into their cubicles in an attempt to avoid me.  The tech support guy runs the other way when he sees me coming.  If I could get paid for every word that I said, my yearly salary would equal the GDP of a small country.